Fear/Break Loose/

I never have been the type to go blabbing about my life or “the social butterfly” that was first to initiate conversations with people. At times I would release sensitive details about myself to people not for sympathy but wanted to let out what was ailing me inside. If you are like me, you felt the pain of hiding your inner secrets. We pretend to be alright in front of people and go home to a pillow of tears. Sometimes I feel that we view issues of depression and suicide as subtle things and treat them as unimportant but the reality is that both are “no respect of persons”. Anyone can deal with it but you have a choice to refuse their invitation. I spent part of my life flirting with depression and making it my identity. I was the girl that did not vocally express what was really wrong with me but wanted people to read my mind and already know the problem. I shy away from people and go cry in my little zone. I allowed my insecurities and suspicion to trap me inside a prison of lies. Now that I am getting closer to the age of 30, I am coming into the decision that I don’t want to be a bitter, old woman. When we don’t confront these issues at the first moment they pop their heads in our lives, then they will grow into monsters. Tonight, I want to share with you a piece of my personal journey…..a piece that reveals my consequences of being in silence. The more you stay quiet, the more stronger the struggle gets.

The shy girl. When I was a younger, I was a really happy child. I love to talk and play all day. My imagination was as big as the United States and I was comfortable playing with my “imaginary friends”. Never was concerned about bullying or low self esteem until I open the door to those thoughts. Instead of telling how I felt, I just retreated to my imaginary world. In that world, I was a star. I was the one no one wanted to mess with or bully…The one with several best friends….But none of that was my reality. Even when I had friends at school and loving parents, I still had a couple of lies creeping in about who I was. In junior high, I made the decision to change my personality into a timid and shy one. It was my protection from bullying and not being noticeable. So the seed was planted.

The tortured teen. In my teenage years, that seed started to bud and sprout. I changed from a happy girl into a depressed teen. No one really knew what was wrong with me but I did. I was ashamed of telling anyone the truth. I was ashamed of admitting that I started to have hateful thoughts about God or dealing with tormenting spirits. I was ashamed to admit that I didn’t think I was pretty so I walked with my head down. What if I did say something? Would I have made the same choices that I made back down? Would I be more confident now? I wasn’t physically threatened but just had a few words said about me. I still believed that no one liked me. If you and me could be honest, I lot of the “they said” was in our heads. In other words, ” they” were lies from the devil. We think that there is an age bracket that the devil only attacks but he will try to get you before you even leave the womb. I kept my hurting secrets to myself. I did try to talk to one or two people but it didn’t go the way I thought. So I decided to stay looking sad and searching for ways to fill my void of acceptance.

The resentful woman. When you pass the child and teenage phases, you have to deal with an adulthood. Honestly, silence will not help you much. You have to get a job, juggle a household, and raise children. Just like it’s hard to miss a full grown tree outside, then it’s going to be hard to ignore your problems because they have grown up. Age doesn’t erase rejection, depression, memories of abuse, etc., but you only come up with more ways to hide it. My issues start to show up in my career, my church, and my home because I never confronted it. I thought they will eventually go away but can’t skip the process of deliverance and healing. You have to go through.

So….What’s the first step?

You have a voice. Use it. That statement alone is self explanatory. We all heard of the statement “Closed mouths don’t get fed.” You want healing from something, then you must open your mouth up. My advice to you is to take time to release hurt, pain, rejection, doubt, fear, or whatever issue that kept you silent up until this point. One scripture in the Bible that I loved was about Hannah. I Samuel 1:18 talked about how Hannah’s countenance changed after she wept and prayed to God about her concern. Hannah was taunted by Peninnah because she didn’t have any children which left Hannah upset about her issue if barrenness. When she brought the issue to God, everything changed for her. You may not struggle with the same issue she did but you are being bothered by something. It’s probably time to call up that friend that can pray with you, or order you some Christian books on your issues and start studying verses about it so you can get delivered, or stop hiding from God completely and lay those issues before Him. Life may not be fair and we may not like the hand we were dealt. You have to remember that God gave you that hand. He didn’t give it to you to sulk about it but become a champion from it. I learned a very hard lesson from my silence. I learned that I didn’t do friendships and relationships right because I try to keep to myself and shy away from people if I suspected that they didn’t like me anymore, (but honestly I still like my space sometimes lol. Now back to the serious face.) I learned that opening up will not kill me but release my aching heart. I also learned that writing my problems out is refreshing and can be a help to others. Ultimately, I learned that God really do care about my issues and He wants me to be free. Now, I am going on my own journey to confront some areas in my life so I can become a whole woman and enjoy the abundant life Jesus died to give me.

I pray that this post encouraged you and enjoy the rest of your day,