Fear/Break Loose/

So this week I found myself in a “mid-life crisis” state of mind but I’m 31! That may sound a little weird to say but I’m not at peace. Last week, my blog post was titled “Should I….” and I discussed about deciding to make that first step to freedom from whatever is holding our life back from going forward. That decision that need to be made can be more than getting free from a struggle or an addiction but getting free from the mindset of there is only one way to live our lives. Growing up, I was taught the importance of going to college to get a job so I can be able to support myself but I never heard much about following my own passion or if I can make a living from it. I have not spent much time honing my gifts growing up or really thinking about what I truly wanted out of life. I wanted to be seen as the hardworking young woman who went to church every Sunday, took care of her responsibilities and followed the rules but discovering that those same rules were becoming more like a barrier to me. At 31, I feel like I am coming to this point of just wanting to LIVE. I do not mean going wild but living in fulfillment and In My Purpose.

For the past two years or so, I have been questioning every area of my life from my job to church and finding discontent in most of the areas I examined. For majority of my life, I was scared to make certain decisions because I feared what people would say or seeking validation from someone before I pursue anything. So I never moved out of state to seek out better opportunities, convinced myself to stick with a career path that was not growing me professionally, and even scared to post certain thoughts I had on certain issues because it did not match the thoughts and feelings of “the crowd”. I felt like my life had to match how I was raised and reflect the things I was taught while holding up this “image of success” that was defined by society. It has been hard to come to terms with knowing that I may not want the same things that the people around me do and that I want more out of life than just waking up, going to work, paying bills, and going to bed to do the same thing the next day.

Now to be clear, I am grateful for where I am in life but that does not mean there is more to my life than where I am presently. I do not want to look at the feeling of discontent as a negative thing but an eyeopener. Have I been living my life by a set of unknown rules just to be considered “a good citizen”? Have I been making decisions to please the people around me? Did I ever take the time out to figure out what I want in life? These are questions that let me ponder on “Why I have not made a move toward the things I want in life?”

When I think of regret, I think of losing something. Losing my drive because I decided to stick with a certain career path instead of stepping out on my own gifts. Losing that hope of marriage and not allowing myself to date again because I allowed past and present situations, (not picking the right men that fit who I am), to diminish that feeling of love and putting a stop for the need to be whole. Losing that passion for God because of growing weary from the “churchy” routine instead of presenting my authentic self to Him and seeking who He was. Overall, the worst thing to lose is myself. Not discovering what I like, where I want to live, and just staying in this small bubble where no one else exists but me…… that is daunting. As I am writing this, it is starting to hit me about how I did not fully examine who I am and my purpose. Personally, I do not see this as a bad thing. Moments like these should be a wake up call to push from what has been normal to something extraordinary.

The life I envisioned for myself is a life of freedom. I want to fully use every inch of my gift to bring inspiration and encouragement to others. I want to be able to support my household off the revenue from my business, (and future ones), and not be held bound to a 9-5. (That includes ownership because I am not planning to be held back by nothing or no one.) I want to become a wife and be able to raise more children in a godly household. My relationship with God is a relationship that I want to be real and nothing fake but enjoying who He is not by force but choice. I see myself being whole and not clinging to my past any longer. Although that is my vision, it does not mean anything if I do not take action. (I believe that is where the “mid-life crisis” come in.) There is a couple of months left in 2020 and time is a precious thing. Why waste it? The only thing now is to execute some hard (maybe easy) decisions. I decided on last week to start my new business, (by filing it with my state as the first step), and preparing to venture out as an entrepreneur. Yes, I still have my job but I’m going to stop being complacent with my dreams. The next thing on my list is to go back and keep the promises I made to myself this year that include exercising every week and diving deep into my writing. I had my share of excuses of why I broke promises to myself because I was looking at other people and getting in my own head. Life is not given for us to live in such a mundane way and not discovering the reasons you were created. You have permission to explore. One thing I can not stomach is to make it to my senior years and regret not going after something because I was living up to standards that I thought everyone else expected me to live.

Are there choices in my life that I do regret making? Absolutely! Will I will regret not stepping out on certain things that could propel my life in a better direction? Yes and it will hurt my soul if I allow someone else’s standards and even myself to get in the way of pursuing everything I was created to do.

Like always…..leave a comment and share your thoughts!