I have considered myself as the person that have to stand out. It is hard for me to get with the crowd or even convince myself that every “trend” is worth following. Growing up, I wrestled hard with my difference. I thought I was the “weird one” and the person no one wanted to be around except…..God. I am not eluding to the fact that everyone is “bad” and that no one likes me, (I have a cool family, [that includes non-related too]!), but God was constantly pulling at my heart to draw closer to Him. As a little girl, I looked at God as a friend and someone that loved me exactly for who I was. It wasn’t until my teen years that I was met with some inner struggles and wrong ideals about God to cause me to back away from Him. I felt torture from within to leave God and to be honest, it felt like a traumatic, spiritual experience to me. As I got older, I realized that I was experiencing some sort of spiritual warfare because of my growing love for God. Because of that experience, I felt that I really did hate God. I believed the lie that those hateful thoughts popping up in my head were coming from me, but were really being sent from the enemy(……yes the devil is real).
So for a time, I was straddling the fence. I wanted to do what everyone else was doing. I did not want to follow God but rebel against His ways. I had moments when I wanted to leave the “church scene” and conform to a worldly life doing whatever I desired. The honest truth behind all of that is that I could not bring myself to wholeheartedly turn away from Him. Yes, I was raised in church most of my life, but it had to take me really desiring God in order for my own personal relationship with Him could form. So for years, I wrestled with truly knowing who God was. There are so many ideals and depictions about God’s character and the Bible as well, but not enough people admitting that they really know Him. It is a difference between knowing a name and knowing the person behind the name.
So where am I at in my life now with God? Making the decision to go after Him with all that I HAVE. Do I still struggle with what happened in the past? Yes. Do I struggle to get up to pray and read my Bible? On some days. I saw God as a friend then, and want to see Him as my friend now. I cannot put into words right now about all the reasons I wanted to follow God. Even when I was not trying to follow Him, He still provided and protected me from certain things. I have struggled with issues of rejection and not caring for myself but God never stopped loving and caring about me. Sometimes I really wanted Him to hate me because of the hate I was experiencing from others. I was a rebel. I did deserve to die when I wanted to take my life at certain moments in my life, but God willed it not so. I honestly could care less how society paints God, because they have yet to experience Him. He steadily watches over me and even placed some huge dreams in my heart to later fulfill. Yes, He is also dealing with me now about things I need to do and change, but that is His love not hate for me. He desires to see me win in life, not just financially but overcoming the struggles that wants to hold me back from the future He has for me.
I wanted to share this piece of my heart as encouragement. I cannot tell you want to believe or who to place all of your trust in, but only sowing evidence from my own life that God is the One I choose to go all the way with!
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