Fear/Break Loose/

For my nighttime chats this week, I wanted to talk about three things: the body, sex, and the question of purity. These specific posts will be tailored to my ladies out there, (so if any man decide to read this, you may be encouraged or ticked off….but hey writing has it way of hitting some deep places. That goes for women as well.) This came upon my heart earlier this year and now I have the time and space to discuss. There are so many ideas about sex and how women should engage with other men. Some of us have sacrificed our dignity to get a form of “love” while others were too prideful to admit that they are hurting from past sexual excursions, but having a truthful and open discussion about how we view our sexuality can allow us to begin the process of healing and becoming whole.

Of course, everyone has their own viewpoint on sex and their body but I only want to speak my own thoughts. So, I will be sharing my experience, (so it may get deep), because for years, I viewed sex as my ticket to “being loved”. Yes, like I admitted before, I am a church girl but not always followed God’s way of doing things. There were some lessons that I needed to learn so I can come to the understanding about the need to respect and honor my body. So I want to come as both as a sister and best friend that desires the best for you as we have some good convo over the next few days.

Page from my Heart….This past summer I was not with him. No texts. No sneaking around. It was just me. No one else. All I had left was memories but….my heart was still laying in pieces. I thought I could pretend because it was not suppose to become of anything. Could I pretend not to have feelings? Could I pretend that my heart was non-existent? I gave away many months to a false commitment. Again I allowed my body to be a ticket to a prize that I will never win….have to sober up….

I was chasing ghosts….As you may know I am not a virgin. Even during my Christian walk, I fell to sexual temptation. I started to become curious about sex around high school, but never act on those thoughts until college. At that time, I thought it was good to have a boyfriend, and someone to love you, but it came at a price. My body received more attention than who I was as a person. In my life, I only been with two men….that’s it. It may not sound like a big thing but it is to me because neither one have no commitment to me. I thought that sleeping with one guy will help me get over the last one, but I was back at square one. So I was chasing something that I could not obtain. I was chasing respect, love, peace, and joy but could not find them in those interactions with these men. Did I truly believed that I connected with these men? Yes I did, but it was rooted in lust or in their “own definition of love and care”. I had to change who I was to be with them instead of being who I was so I would have never hooked up with them.

Drunk in the “feeling”…Some, if not all of us, have said that there are some things that we will never do, but forget that our issues and struggles will cause us to do the unspeakable to numb the pain. I always wonder about situation ships or “friends with benefits” and what goes on in the hearts of two causal friends having sex with each other that are detaching from the emotional side of it at the same time. The problem is…you cannot detach. Sex brings two people together regardless of how those two people feel about each other or got together. You cannot control or manipulate something you did not create. God made sex and he made it for marriage, because marriage brings unity between a man and a woman. When we operate outside of that, we get the brokenness and shattered soul. It is like running away from something that is stuck to you…like chasing your own tail. I was in love with “feeling good” not “being good”. I was in love with compensating the fact that I was suffering from pain of past rejection and loneliness, but not working towards becoming healed and whole. We can allow “the feelings” to waste away our good judgment about the other person, wholesome morals, and ultimately disrupting the plan God originally set for our life. God desires us to be whole and also designed marriage to be the only way to fully experience sex in a fulfilling way, but not in us acting like addicts in the street looking for sex to fill the void that only He could.

My why to abstain from sex until marriage. My decision is to respect my body so I can respect God. I choose to honor my body so I can honor God. Sex is not bad, but its how we choose to practice it that turns it into a nightmare. I truly desire sex with my own husband not with a boyfriend, fiancé, or even a causal fling. My body is only trusted with a man that has committed to “I do”, (who would have already gained God’s permission to enter my life). Self control is the key. If I can restrain myself from things I “know I can have” until it is the “right time to have it”, then I will also be able to resist other temptations as well, especially the temptations that try to invade marriage. When you truly view something as treasure, you will do whatever it takes to keep its value. To be honest, I believe some of us never really felt valued except when it came to our looks. At this point in my life, I cannot not help but be grateful for the mistakes and screw-ups, because I learned the importance of being cherished. God cherishes my body so I must cherish what I have as well.

I can genuinely say that I am staying the course to sober up from these “girly intentions” to gravitate toward sex to fulfill me and learn to be “woman enough” to allow God to fill the areas that I am lacking in. Marriage is what I desire but it will never function right if I do not learn to trust God first not man. Have a good night peeps until tomorrow….always feel free to comment and discuss!