It has taken me some time to get this post out. Originally, I planned for it to come the week of Thanksgiving but keep putting it off. First thing I want to say is that I truly appreciate the gift and ability to write. Writing is more like therapy for me. I have the chance to express myself and be able to relate it to other people that are going through the same things as me. After saying that, I have to hold myself accountable of not using my gift fully especially when traumatic things take place in my life. I had to learn that tramua, (as it is defined), is any disturbing event that effects your life. Those type of things need to be release and writing helps with that. Now that I have gotten my introduction out the way, it’s time to get to some “heart talk”.
In my own life, I have struggled with suicidal thoughts since my teenage years and to hear that one of my own family members fell victim to it has cause me to revisit this “dark moment”. I never really open up to anyone about why I felt that I had to end my own life. Growing up, I was talked about a lot and harbored resentment and self-hatred within me for years and never taken the time to release it.
The reasons why I wanted to end my life was that I felt like I was not worthy. I did not have a lot of friends and was not the most popular. I made the things that people were saying about me as “Bible” in my own life. I felt like being “ShuCora” is not what the world wanted and struggled with my identity. I grew up thinking that something was wrong with me instead of figuring out why fingers were pointing at me. Sometimes we can be blind to our own greatness and potential but the truth is that opposition is always waiting for anyone and anything that has true purpose. This is something that its hard to come to terms with but it’s the true.
Behind the bullying and the mistreatment, I really am wrestling with the spirit of rejection. A spirit that wants me to crumble and fall apart so I will never live out my God-given destiny. We all have an enemy that is fighting against us daily and we have decide to stay in the ring or get knocked out. Suicide is not an easy topic to discuss but I do believe that is not made to be kept in silence. The more I write about it, the better I feel that I released it.
Every day I have a choice to fight for ShuCora. I am fighting to live and not rob the world of my purpose here on this Earth. I am fighting to not completely give up on myself and the goals and dreams invested in me. I honestly believe that I was made to fight for others so they can live as well. I did not write this post to gain any sympathy but shine some light on a topic that needs to be brought to the fore front. My life is beautiful simply because God planned for me to be here. All the good and bad days play a role in my purpose…so nothing will be wasted. Is it still a struggle? Yes. Will I keep fighting? Yes. Even when I want to quit, I keep pushing because I want ShuCora to win. Chat with you all next time, peeps!
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