Fear/Break Loose/

This poem was apart of my book, “Testimonies Of A Young Woman”, and wrote this poem to describe the struggle I had in getting to know God. In getting to know God, I have to put aside my own notions and ideas about Him and just simply get to know Him. My relationship with God is important to me because I rather put my hands in the life of someone that thinks the world of me.

FUNCTIONAL ATHEIST

Lessons of spirituality were instilled in me
Learned about the existence of a supreme Being
A Being that’s supposed to have made everything
From the little ant to the six foot college ball player
A Being that loved everyone with no strings
No matter if you murdered millions or told a lie
As a good student, I soaked up that knowledge
Filled with how awesome and good God is

Bursting with joy, I exclaimed I love You, God
Dancing in victory, I shouted No One like You
Peacefully singing that You are great and mighty
But this exclamation also fell on Satan’s ears
Quickly surrounded by a gang of terror demons
Stripped my mind of good thoughts about God
Choked the song of peace out of my mouth
Bullied me into abandoning my spirituality

Left with this nightmare..
Covered in hurt….
Confused at what occurred…..I started to believe
That maybe the devil is right…
GOD, I HATE YOU, GOD, I HATE YOU!
THERE IS NOTHING AMAZING ABOUT YOU!
YOU ARE NOT STRONG, NOT GREAT, NOT POWERFUL!
TAKE YOUR LOVE AND GET OUT OF MY FACE!

How can you love God then hate Him
How can you respect God then spit in His face
Treasured our relationship but threw it away
Lessons I learned becoming distant memories
I may dismiss those lessons but they did not die
Lessons of God’s love started to fill me again
His forgiveness started to uproot my shame
Then I found myself in your arms again

Bursting with joy, I exclaimed I love You, God
Dancing in victory, I shouted No One like You
Peacefully singing that You are great and mighty
But this exclamation soon fell on my deaf ears
Starting to show no concern for morning prayer
Letting my Bible collect dust and barely read it
Allowing circumstances to become my Savior instead
Outside a saint but inside a regular atheist

I learned that God is a healer
But walked around with scars
I learned that God loves me
But walked around insecure
I learned that God forgives
But made grudges keepsakes
I learned that God wants a relationship
But treated it as an option

God, for my inconsistency….
I blame my childhood nightmare
I still can hear the voice of doubt
“God is not good, God is nothing”
A fistful of tears and a heart of regret
Allowing the past to control me again
Do I believe what I learned about God
Or act like an atheist in saintly clothes

Yes, I was a student of the Bible
Yes, I was a victim of Satan’s lies
Yes, I was redeemed from my past
Yes, the pain of harboring hate toward God
I must ask….
God, how can I get past this?
He answered…
“GET TO KNOW ME“

-ShuCora Walker, Copyright 2020